Are all of you No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) worried about bringing back your waistline back into the mid-30s after all that holiday bingeing with the false hope of making yourself attractive to my three female readers?
But why even make the effort? You don’t need a diet. You don’t need exercise. You don’t even need a labatiba. All you need is a good punchline.
In a survey conducted by a US online dating service Match.com, they discovered that 70 percent of single women are most likely to fall in love with someone who has the ability to make them laugh until they pop an artery. In fact, it was sense of humor — not the size of your credit card limit nor the ability to color-coordinate your belt with your shoes nor the possession of abdominals that could be used as a landing strip — that women have cited as the number one romantically attractive trait.
Now you know that God is just.
Close Ad X
Because for every Piolo Pascual, Sam Milby and Derek Ramsey who is cursed with sun-kissed skin, penetrating eyes, porcelain white teeth, rock-hard abs and product endorsements that could pay off the national debt, there are the Vic Sottos, the Michael Vs and the Vhong Navarros who have the ability to make women laugh off their insecurities, their inhibitions and their strategically placed articles of clothing.
Besides being awash with money, cars and fame, what else do these comedians have going for them? Do they have an iPad application that can affect the thinking processes of females? And is that application download free?
No, what they have is the mutant ability to activate serotonin — the “feel good” chemical in women. Serotonin is the brain chemical that not only prevents depression but also puts women in more in a more, ahem, “amicable,” Barry White-type mood. Thus, by keeping the women laughing, men with a mutant sense of humor are actually providing an effective antidote to depression.
(But note that high serotonin levels can also drive a person temporarily insane. This is the one-two punch required for women to throw all common sense out of the window. This is often the explanation my wife gives to her friends.)
However, the challenge for men with a mutant sense of humor is to sustain the laughter until the women think they are auditioning to become the next Bench underwear models. This has often been the waterloo of Gary Lising. That and the lack of Viagra on hand.
But note that men with a sense of humor are also very good for your health because they help boost a woman’s endorphin levels. Endorphins are biologically produced chemicals that are probably the best, PDEA-approved way to achieve a natural high. Endorphins produce four key effects on the body: they enhance the immune system, they relieve pain, they reduce stress, and they postpone the aging process. Endorphin levels increase when people laugh really hard or when they have porn-movie-worthy sex — as both of these experiences leave a person with a blissful feeling.
Endorphin production can increase to 200 percent from the beginning to the end of sexual activity. Since increased endorphin levels occur both when you have sex and when you laugh, “funny men” hope to leave women temporarily confused into thinking that they are still laughing when they are actually having sex. Neuroscientists have actually recommended “sex without guilt with the next comedian you can get your hands on.” Okay, I’m lying. About the “neuroscientists” part.
So to my three female readers, give that “funny man” a chance. Because if a funny man can make you laugh during sex, you might quadruple your endorphin production and end up not only becoming enlightened but also immortal. But don’t ask me, ask my wife (who has transcended to a higher plane of reality).
We may think of these chemical activators as the “good side” of the comedic Force. But unfortunately, there are Sith Lords out there who know the darker arts of laugher. These are the “funny men” who do not have your best interests at heart, but rather are interested only in your other body parts.
According to Jo-Anne Bachorowski, assistant professor of psychology at Vanderbilt University, we can favorably tweak how the opposite sex feels about us by getting them to laugh in a specific manner.
After years of stiletto-heel-shaped groin injuries and picking out cracked fingernails from their cheeks and other soft body parts, there is a secret cabal of funny DOMS (Gary Lising has neither confirmed or denied involvement) who have decided to share their secrets to decoding laughter among females.
If (the girl) emits a high-pitched, song-like laugh like “Ahihihihihi” after you crack a joke, it means: “The only chance you’ll get to sleep with me is when all the Arroyo-appointed Supreme Court justices get impeached.”
If she emits a nasal and snort-like laugh like “Hyuck hyuck hyuck” it means: “Oh, my God, I am strangely attracted to you even if you resemble a body part of that is best hidden from public view. But I’m not ready to exchange bodily fluids with your right now. At least, not the more pleasurable bodily fluids.”
If she emits an unmelodic and grunt-like laugh that sounds like she is choking on her own spittle such as “Ahug ahug ngef gaak” it means, “I am sooooo going to fulfill my biological imperative with you tonight… twice!” It is either that or you need to take her to the emergency room.
But the penultimate secret that has long been known by those who possess the mutant humor gene is scarier than a Kris Aquino horror movie: women are pre-programmed to fall for “funny men.”
In the book The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature, author Geoffrey Miler described a historical period long, long ago. Even before the invention of toilet paper. It was a time when men were still hunter-gatherers and there was still no quick-delivery service for mastodon burgers. During that period, our ancestors were a pretty polygamous little bunch. And they were polygamous for good reason: aside from the fact that the CBCP was not yet around at that time, our female ancestors were challenged to find men who could increase the species’ overall intelligence level instead of having kids who spent their days running into walls while picking their noses. And one indication that a man was moving up in the evolutionary ladder was his sense of humor.
A sense of humor indicated creative ability, which was perceived by females as a sign of intelligence. Given this, our ancestral females found humorous males more attractive then humorless males. For example: men who would scratch their butts then eat with their hands were not humorous. But men who made fun of men who scratched their butts then ate with their hands were humorous.
Although men have since learned to wash our hands after scratching our butts, we can still learn a trick or two from our nose-picking ancestors. Modern upright-walking men with a sense of humor don’t resort to trite pickup lines like “Nice shoes, wanna &*()%^*&^?” No, rather, they have the ability to soup up their trite pickup lines in order to showcase their creativity and intelligence with lines like “Nice shoes. Do you want to have smart kids?”
But the real secret to a mutant sense of humor lies with the masters of Pinoy comedy. Most “funny men” in real (and reel life) appear to have a lack of ego and are often self-deprecating. And, according to Richard Alexander’s Ethnology and Sociobiology, men who can make fun of themselves in certain contexts (like “Oh, I didn’t really go out with that many women, give or take a thousand”) are perceived by mere mortals as more prestigious on the social ladder than those who don’t know how to make fun of themselves.
So, for you mere mortal NGSBs out there, try to emulate your favorite self-deprecating comedians (but please don’t deprecate all over yourselves). These comedians’ apparent lack of ego merely indicates that they are very important people among the female of the species. It’s either that or you just know that we are just more well-endowed than you. But please don’t take my word for it. Take Dolphy’s.
